


wow, fuck you

by caryophyllaceae (xphantomhive)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Lowercase, M/M, Mental Disorders, Run-On Sentences, fuck i'm angry., if anyone is ooc it's because i'm fucking angry and just molding the characters to me and my friends, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-24 06:53:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7498419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xphantomhive/pseuds/caryophyllaceae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>you have a mental disorder and you hate that no one gets it. you're angry because you can't control your emotions and you're on six and a half pills a day but no one gets that because they're too wrapped up in their own business.</p>
            </blockquote>





	wow, fuck you

**Author's Note:**

> this is a vent fic because my moirail is back together with his boyfriend who couldn't accept him for being trans and then broke up with him and talked shit about him behind his back. my moirail said he was not eating and having homicidal thoughts without him and it made me feel like i wasn't enough because i have anxiety and i doubt everything. i doubt myself constantly. i was venting to my friend devin and he said i was being selfish and i freaked out because it's not because i'm being selfish. i'm not being fucking selfish i have a mental disorder.
> 
> no one read this note but i'm just so angry and i'm just. fuck. i'm so angry and writing is my biggest outlet.

maybe it’s the anxiety talking or maybe it’s the anger but you’re royally pissed at jade for getting back together with that really shitty, totally-a-douchebag guy that she met at the coffee shop about a year ago. you think his name is emanuel or something pretentious like that. the break-up was really nasty and after it he talked so much shit about jade that you had to hunt him down like a complete stalker just so you could punch him in the nose for saying things about your sister behind her back. but now she’s back together with him and you just can’t figure out why and it keeps you up until three a.m., because that’s when you decide to go over to her house.

_ he  _ answers the door and you try to pretend that you don’t want to punch him until he treats jade better. “the hell are you doing here?” he asks, but you don’t grace him with a reply and instead push past him and walk into the house. jade is sitting on the sofa watching the movie  _ silver linings playbook  _ and she looks up at you with her head tilted to the side like a confused bird.

before she can say anything else, you blurt out, “why are you back together with this asshole?” and motion to pretentious-dick-probably-named-emanuel makes a face. jade makes a face too and then she stands from the sofa and crosses the room to you, and then she slaps you right in the face and you kind of feel like you deserved it but also like you didn’t.

“without him, i was doing really bad,” she says. “not eating, having some...pretty negative thoughts, that i don’t really wanna talk about. i realized that i loved him and got back together with him. don’t call him an asshole.”

you think it’s the anxiety talking when you think that she got back together with him because you and dave and rose weren’t enough. but mainly because you weren’t enough. you weren’t a good enough brother because you couldn’t stop her from feeling like that and that means it’s your fault she went back to him, right? “nevermind,” you say, and then you’re walking backwards out of her house. “don’t talk to me. i’m sorry that i wasn’t enough to keep you okay.”

jade tries to say something else to you but you’re too busy leaving her house. usually you’re a jokester and a superb prankster but your anxiety is too high for you to be that anymore. you take six and a half pills a day and you know that you still have a few problems to work through but you’re doing your best to get better and sometimes it seems like that isn’t enough for anyone. jade is your sister and you love her but right now you hate her.

your next stop is dave’s house and you aren’t surprised that he answers the door because he’s always awake. he doesn’t sleep like you do but you think that’s because you take sleeping pills and he should because he’s a complete insomniac. “what’re y’doin’ here?” he asks. oh. maybe he was sleeping, his accent sounds kind of heavy.

you tell him that you’re here because jade makes bad choices and he lets you inside. you sit on his sofa and drink apple juice because that’s all he has, and you explained what happened. it’s kind of weird living apart from your boyfriend but your house is too cramped for any more than two people and so is his house. when you’re done spitting out your whole explanation, dave says, “i think you’re being kind of selfish? i mean, just sayin’. jade told me she was tryin’ to hide the news about her and emanuel so you wouldn’t get angry ‘cause you weren’t fully better but then you got angry anyway.”

you’re angry. you aren’t being selfish. you have anxiety and you take six and a half pills a day and you can’t really control yourself because sometimes you have bipolar tendencies and these are all things they know, but they will never understand because they don’t have those things holding them down like you do and you hate it. “i’m not being selfish, for fucks sake dave,” you say and you know you’re being mean but you’re so  _ angry  _ and you just don’t care. “i have mental disorders and i’m on mood stabilizers and i can’t always control myself. okay, i just-fuck, fucking fuck, i’m not trying to be like this. i’m not trying to be selfish but i am.”

he doesn’t get to reply because you’re too busy storming out of his house.

you’re so angry and you don’t know what to do so you go home and lay in bed. you turn your phone off so no one can message you and then you lay your head down and try to fall asleep even though you haven’t taken your meds and you forgot to turn the light off.

**Author's Note:**

> emanuel is the real name of my moirail's no-good boyfriend. you can't help who you love i guess but i think being with him is very self-destructive for my moirail (his name is ethan).
> 
> jade is supposed to be ethan. dave is supposed to be devin. and obviously john is me. these are the real roles that fit me and my friends - we are the beta kids.
> 
> right now i don't consider them my friends though. i hate having a mental disorder because none of them do and they just don't fucking understand.
> 
> the real title of this in my google docs: fuck devin fuck ethan fuck all of my friends except for rianna fuck them FUCK THEM


End file.
